69 commandments of a man which everyone should know. This is the best collection of all that is and contains a neymoral concentrate of wisdom and simple 69 commandments for men of the era of postmetrosexuality and multiculturalism.
Buddha revealed to the world four noble truths, Moses brought ten commandments from Sinai, the sixth ecumenical council established as many as 102 rules. All this wealth of wisdom, mankind turned a deaf ear, as if the rules then exist in order to break them. And here's one final try: Tony Parsons has compiled the last 69 rules that still seem to be worth listening to. They do not promise eternal bliss to anyone, but at least they will make your earthly life more integral and memorable.
Well, let's start:
1. The slower you move, the faster you die.
2. Do not spare money for dentistry and travel: it is better to approach the threshold of death with a dazzling smile and wonderful memories.
3. A man should choose the very best plumber, lawyer and personal trainer he can afford.
4. Never cheat on a woman you are not yet ready to part with.
5. Anal sex and sadomasochism are optional, but threesome sex is a must. Be prepared for the fact that a significant part of the time one of the three will just look out the window - perhaps you are the one.
6. Do not marry the one with whom you do not intend to live the rest of your life. The average marriage lasts ten years, so statistically, you probably won't live the rest of your life in it. But we must hope.
7. By the age of 25, drugs should be a thing of the past, unless you work as a guitarist in the Rolling Stones (this only applies to solo and rhythm guitar, not bass).
8. Never raise your hand to a woman, child, animal or man who is unable to break your jaw.
9. Never raise your hand to someone who is not able to continue to hit for a while.
10. Never raise your hand against a person when you are drunk, although it is permissible to raise your hand against a person when he is drunk.
11. Never raise your hand on anyone if you can avoid it. In fact, there are only two legitimate reasons for a fight: to fight for your life or to protect your loved ones.
12. If you hit someone, do it beautifully. Calm down your rage, do not wave your hands: your fists should go forward in a straight line and immediately return back, as if you have caught a fly. The exception is hooks, which should be reinforced with the strength of the hips, not the shoulders. A good hook to the body breaks the offender's ribs, as well as will.
13. If you want to have an affair with a married woman, make sure it is a happy marriage. A woman in an unhappy marriage will drag you into a war zone. The only exception is a married woman with whom you don't mind living the rest of your life.
14. Good manners are the foundation of everything. Rudeness has no excuse. The quality of life is made up of small human concessions to each other, and only politeness will make your life bearable.
15. In life, there will never come a moment when you become so wise, experienced and successful that you do not fail at anything. Expect failures and let them temper your spirit. Minutes of shame make you strong, moments of success make you grateful: both alternate in life as inevitably as night and day.
16. Take care of your knees. If you play sports, they will refuse sooner or later. If you don't play sports, they will suddenly refuse.
17. If noisy scandals occur between you and your woman, then it is not your woman.
18. If there are loud scandals between you and your parents, it is quite normal - but every effort should be made to a quick reconciliation. The time you spend with your parents is limited. The tears you shed at the grave should be tears of farewell and gratitude, not bitter remorse.
19. There are many beautiful women in the world, but you can only truly love five or six.
20. What happens to you in distant lands remains in distant lands. An exception is genital herpes.
21. Public speaking and safe sex are two skills that you should definitely master. You will have to practice both, sometimes at the same event. When speaking to an audience, do not rely on the written text, but also do not hope that the words will come on their own - both will lead to disaster. Store a stack of postcards in your pocket, one for every five minutes of your talk, and frame your speech around your recorded emotional accents or cheap jokes. Remember, the public does not want you to fail, because they themselves will be embarrassed: they want to laugh, cry or have fun. This also applies to safe sex. In addition, be careful not to wear this thing inside out: this happens quite often and dramatically increases the likelihood of leaks, tears and other troubles. Make allowances for the fact that by the crucial moment you will almost certainly already be drunk (this also applies to public speaking).
22. There are peaks that you must certainly climb; all the rest are best avoided.
23. Do not become a father until you are ready to consider another human being more important than yourself.
24. Give money to the poor and disabled. Are you saying that they are insincere and begging is just work for them? Well, then giving them money is also not charity, but your job.
25. The main success factor is your pain threshold. As Rocky Bal-boa remarked, "It's not how hard you hit, but how hard you can take the hit while you keep moving forward."
26. Never buy anything from a person who knocks at your door uninvited - unless he is in complete despair.
27. Don't waste precious time jealousy, hate and watching Wall Street: Money Doesn't Sleep.
28. If you have time, it is better to walk.
29. Cheat on all but one woman.
30. Remember health, but do not slip into hypochondria. We will all die, but there is still time.
31. If you do not have regular ejaculation, you will soon die. Your prostate gland will suspect that you have lost interest in the continuation of the human race, and will help you quickly leave the scene of history. If you stop fucking women, then you will soon stop breathing.
32. Never go to bed with crazy girls, no matter how cool they look. It’s not worth it — you’ll find out when you see her at four in the morning under your window, spray-painting the words “I hate you” on your car.
33. Love your job. Try to never separate your main hobby from making money. When everything is crumbling, work will help you stay afloat - it will restore your self-esteem, human interaction, money and motivation to get out of bed every morning. But keep in mind that, most likely, you will have to do hateful work in your life. This happens to almost everyone - just be sure to remember where the exit is.
34. Do not trust politicians, prostitutes and those who offer you to change your tariff plan (mortgage, Internet provider, country of residence, wife) absolutely at no charge. There is always a fee.
35. Try your best not to hate someone you once loved.
36. The holy trinity of eternal youth - hair on the head, cubes on the torso, erection in pants. Take care of them.
37. Love money, but beware of wealth. Lack of money is the root of all evil. Nothing takes as long as poverty. Money cannot buy happiness, but it can buy time.
38. A dinner party can be quite enjoyable only one in ten times. Have a conversation with the lady on the right, the lady on the left, and the drunken freak on the opposite, and don't expect to enjoy it. If you wanted to have a good time, you had to stay at home.
39. Nobody knows all family secrets. Neither husband nor wife.
40. Some marital unions break up too quickly. Many, many unions last too long. And yet, your job is to try to prevent your children from growing up in the house of someone else's man.
41. In marriage, the one who loves less is stronger.
42. Stun with talent. Dazzle with genius. Do not work half-heartedly, do not buy at a discount, always score the winning goal yourself.
43. Great patience is more useful than a large inheritance.
44. Be generous to those who cannot do anything for you.
45. Self-pity is more harmful than heroin.
46. Do not sleep with her sister if this is not the love of your life. By the way, her sister can NEVER be the love of your life.
47. Fear banality like the plague.
48. Happiness comes and goes - but it is important to notice when it is here.
49. Sometimes you are lucky, sometimes you are not. Relying on luck is as foolish as relying on the postman to bring you a big check one day.
50. Never be annoyed with other people's children, other drivers and security personnel at the airport. Patience will save you from many hardships in life, but this art must be learned - like a foreign language or martial arts techniques.
51. "Remember that life is just a fleeting breath, " the Qur'an teaches us.
52. Only fat people are allowed to skip breakfast.
53. Do not drink until evening unless absolutely necessary.
54. A hearty dinner in the late evening is a sure guarantee of heavy sleep, a flabby figure and early death. If business interests require you to attend a late dinner, eat like a supermodel before an important photo shoot.
55. The best jet lag remedy is sunlight. The best hangover cure is Coca-Cola. The best remedy for constipation is natural yogurt. The best remedy for a broken heart is to travel to the moon on the wings of a spider web.
56. Eat more fiber. Dean Martin argued that for him the key to happiness in his declining years was not fame, not money, or even his friendship with Frank Sinatra, but regular bowel movements.
57. The best way to stay fit is to pump abs, do push-ups and get punched in the face.
58. Learn to trust instincts. The dead always go with the flow. The living can swim in any direction.
59. Do not intend to start, but start right away. Time is accelerating: each next year - a smaller and smaller share of the remaining life.
60. "Learn to live with it if you can't get above it, " advises Bruce Springsteen.
61. Friendship — true friendship with the few who deserves it — takes effort. If you abandon it, it withers. Remember friends, love friends, cherish friends. Be generous with their mistakes. But do not be afraid of solo flight: remember that we are all alone in the universe. You were born alone and you will die alone.
62. If you are over thirty, take vitamin supplements regularly. Good medical tests at your age bring the same joy as at 17 - an unexpected blowjob.
63. Routine is great. Routine gives freedom. The order protects from the recalcitrant elements of world chaos. But never have a routine that you can't get out of in less than five minutes.
64. Have sex before settling down. Often and in large quantities, in all parts of the world and with all kinds of women. If you remember exactly how many women you had, then there weren't enough of them. Lying on his deathbed, the poet John Betjeman answered the question of his regrets this way: "I wish I had had much sex in my life." Live the way you say, "It's a shame there was a little more sex than you should have."
65. Avoid problems. Avoid places - stadiums, pubs, late eateries - where trouble always happens. If conflict is inevitable, don't waste time talking: hit right away and hit hard.
66. Never look into your communicator if you do not have time to solve problems that it may tell you about.
67. Money invested in education gives the greatest profit.
68. "Life is a flash of lightning in a dark sky, " says Buddha.
69. Enjoy every sandwich. =)