20 killer jokes from Joseph Stalin

Comrade Stalin had a specific sense of humor, specific, but very witty. Sometimes he voiced his decisions and conclusions with humor, but those to whom he spoke it were far from laughing.

1. When developing the vehicle "Pobeda" it was planned that the name of the car would be "Motherland". Upon learning of this, Stalin ironically asked: "Well, how much will we have a Motherland?" The name of the car was immediately changed.

2. From the memoirs of one of Stalin's guards A. Rybin. On Stalin's trips, security guard Tukov often accompanied him. He sat in the front seat next to the chauffeur and used to fall asleep on the way. One of the members of the Politburo, riding with Stalin in the back seat, remarked:

- Comrade Stalin, I don’t understand which of you is protecting whom?

- What is that, - Iosif Vissarionovich answered, - he also put his pistol in my cloak - take it, they say, just in case!

3. Once Stalin was informed that Marshal Rokossovsky had a mistress and that this was the famous beauty-actress Valentina Serova. And, they say, what are we going to do with them now? Stalin took the pipe out of his mouth, thought a little and said:

- What we will, what we will ... we will envy!

4. Stalin walked with the First Secretary of the Central Committee of Georgia A. I. Mgeladze along the alleys of the Kuntsevo dacha and treated him to lemons, which he himself grew in his lemongrass:

- Try, here, near Moscow, you grew up! And so several times, between conversations on other topics:

- Try it, good lemons! Finally, it dawned on the interlocutor:

- Comrade Stalin, I promise you that in seven years Georgia will provide the country with lemons, and we will not import them from abroad.

- Thank God I guessed it! - said Stalin.

5. The designer of artillery systems V. G. Grabin told me how on the eve of 1942 he was invited by Stalin and said:

- Your cannon saved Russia. What do you want - the Hero of Socialist Labor or the Stalin Prize?

- I don't care, Comrade Stalin.

They gave both.

6. During the war, the troops under the command of Baghramyan were the first to reach the Baltic. To present this event in a more pompous way, the Armenian general personally poured water from the Baltic Sea into a bottle and ordered his adjutant to fly with this bottle to Moscow to Stalin. He flew. But while he was flying, the Germans counterattacked and threw Baghramyan off the Baltic coast. By the time the adjutant arrived in Moscow, they were already aware of this, but the adjutant himself did not know - there was no radio on the plane. And now the proud adjutant enters Stalin's office and proclaims pompously: - Comrade Stalin, General Baghramyan is sending you the water of the Baltic! Stalin takes the bottle, twirls it in his hands for a few seconds, after which he gives it back to the adjutant and says: - Give it back to Bagramyan, tell him to pour it where you took it.

7. In 1939 we watched "The Train Goes East". The film is not so hot: the train is going, it stops ...

- What station is it? Stalin asked.

- Demyanovka.

“This is where I'll get off, ” Stalin said and left the hall.

8. The candidacy for the post of Minister of the Coal Industry was discussed.

The director of one of the mines, Zasyadko, was offered. Someone objected:

- Everything is good, but he abuses alcoholic drinks!

“Invite him to me, ” Stalin said. Zasyadko came. Stalin began to talk to him and offered him a drink.

- With pleasure, - said Zasyadko, poured a glass of vodka: - To your health, Comrade Stalin! - drank and continued the conversation.

Stalin took a little sip and, watching carefully, offered a second. Zasyadko - a second glass, and not in one eye. Stalin offered a third, but his interlocutor pushed his glass aside and said:

- Zasyadko knows when to stop.

We talked. At a meeting of the Politburo, when the question of the minister's candidacy arose again, and again the abuse of alcohol by the proposed candidate was announced, Stalin, walking around with his pipe, said:

- Zasyadko knows when to stop!

And for many years Zasyadko headed our coal industry ...

9. One colonel general reported to Stalin on the state of affairs. The Supreme Commander looked very pleased and nodded twice in approval. After finishing his report, the commander hesitated. Stalin asked: "Do you want to say anything else?"

“Yes, I have a personal question. In Germany, I selected some things of interest to me, but they were detained at the checkpoint. If possible, I would ask you to return them to me. "

"It's possible. Write a report, I will impose a resolution. "

The Colonel General pulled out a pre-prepared report from his pocket. Stalin imposed a resolution. The petitioner began to thank him warmly.

“Not worth gratitude, ” Stalin remarked.

After reading the resolution written on the report: “Return his stuff to the colonel. Stalin ”, the general turned to the Supreme Commander:“ There is a slip of the tongue, Comrade Stalin. I am not a colonel, but a colonel general. "

“No, everything is correct here, Comrade Colonel, ” Stalin replied.

10. Admiral I. Isakov from 1938 was the Deputy People's Commissar of the Navy. Once in 1946, Stalin phoned him and said that there was an opinion to appoint him chief of the Main Naval Staff, which was renamed the General Staff of the Navy that year.

Isakov replied: “Comrade C? 6?